It'sa me! Fanfic!
by Leegon
Summary: When Bowser plans to unleash a ballon at Mario and Luigi, something... happens... Yeah. You'll probably regret reading this. Also, now there's Chapter 2! It's not Christmassy at all. Really. More like, Festive Standardized Test-y.
1. Sorry, But Fanfic is in Another Castle

Tales of an Italian Plumber - Episode 1: "Sorry, but the fanfic is in another castle."  
  
By Tim'sOK  
  
Or Tim  
  
Or... Yeah.  
  
Mario and Luigi and the others, as well as Bowser, all belong to Nintendo or something, all meaning that I can;t be sued. I think.  
  
-----  
  
It was a whimisical day in the mushroom village, and everyone was merry and jolly and something.  
  
Mario: What are you talking about? I'm spending the evening at Luigi's eating pizza and watching TV. What's jolly about that?  
  
[Well... you have pizza]  
  
Mario: True.  
  
[Can I have a slice?]  
  
Mario: ...No.  
  
And so they ate and watched, but little did they know that far off, lurking in his dungeon the evil King Bowser was cooking up a scheme...  
  
Bowser: GRAAAAAAAAAAARGH  
  
King Thwomp: He says he wants to destroy Mario.  
  
Koopas: (in unsion) Again?!  
  
Bullies: But that's what we always do!   
  
Thwomps: And we all get stood on!  
  
Boos: Couldn't we just do some flower arranging?  
  
Bowser: GRAAAAAAAAAARGH!  
  
King Thwomp: Apparently not.  
  
Boos: So what's the master plan this time?  
  
Bowser: BWAAAAAAAARGH! GRAAH! BWAAAAAAAH!  
  
King Thwomp: Hmmm. Interesting.  
  
Boos: What did he say?  
  
King Thwomp: The plan is, we send a giant inflatable Bowser to destroy Mario.  
  
Single Bully: Sorry, but how is that going to work in the slightest?  
  
[Everyone in the dungeon turns on the single bully, eyes blazing]  
  
Single Bully: Eeeep.  
  
[Single Bully is stomped repeatedly]  
  
King Thwomp: LET THE CONSTRUCTION COMMENCE!  
  
[Back at Luigi's place]  
  
Luigi: We seem'a to have run out'a pizza. A.   
  
Mario: Stop faking the accent.  
  
Luigi: Yessir.  
  
Mario: No more pizza, eh? Perhaps we should try making our own. With our own choice of toppings... say... mushroom?  
  
[Mario and Luigi turn to Toad, who is sitting in the corner playing a GameBoy]  
  
Toad: *looking up from GB* ...Huh?  
  
[Mario and Luigi have evil glints in their eyes]  
  
Toad: Erm... *speeds off through the door*  
  
Mario: Ah well, we'll just have to find something else to do.  
  
Luigi: Yep.  
  
Mario: ...Hmmm.  
  
Luigi: ...  
  
Mario: This sucks.  
  
Luigi: Yes. Yes it does.  
  
[There is a knock on the door]  
  
Mario: Hey! A letter!  
  
Luigi: Open it! Open it!  
  
[What are you, twelve?]  
  
Luigi: Quiet.  
  
Mario: Hey! Three free tickets to Super Mario Planet!  
  
Luigi: You mean Super Mario Land?  
  
Mario: No, this one must have sprung up overnight.  
  
King Thwomp: LITERALLY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...  
  
Mario: *looking around* Did you hear something?  
  
Luigi: No. Gimme the tickets.  
  
Mario: Don't you find it suspicious that there is a Bowser emblem on these tickets? In fact, it says right here, in fine print, 'Haha, fools, prepare to meet your destruction! I can't belive you are going to fall for a trap as simple or obvious as this! Man, you must be real idiots.'  
  
Luigi: No one reads the fine print. Just get in the car.  
  
AND SO THEY WENT TO SUPERMARIOWORLD, LUIGI, MARIO AND TOAD.  
  
Mario: Well, here we are.  
  
Luigi: Looks deserted.  
  
Toad: I'm here too! Yipee! I'm a mushroom man! Woo! I need sugar! Sugar! GIMMEH SUGAR!   
  
Mario: FOAD, Toad.  
  
Toad: YESSIR! CANDY FLOSS! SWEETS! CHOcolate! baked beans... stuff... cake... *slowly gets quieter as he skips away*  
  
Mario: well then.  
  
Luigi: I'M going to the hall of mirrors!  
  
Mario: I'M going to go on that rollercoaster!  
  
Luigi: Rollercoaster?  
  
Mario: Yeah! That one, over there, you see it? The one with the sign with 'DANGER! UNFINISHED TRACK!' Scribbled out and "Ideal for Marios" Written in red Koopen.  
  
Luigi: Mari-  
  
Mario: QUIET! TO THE ROLLERCOASTER!  
  
Luigi: But I was going to go in the hal-   
  
Mario: Look, if you come on the rollercoaster with me I'll buy you a bootleg Fawful "I HAT FURY" cap from that stall over there.  
  
Luigi: ^_^  
  
AND SO THEY WENT INTO THE ROLLERCOASTER QUEUE AREA  
  
Mario: That's odd... there's no operator...  
  
Luigi: Do you hear a low rumbling sound?  
  
Mario: Yes, it's coming from outside.  
  
Luigi: Hmm... look at that... a Bowser balloon!  
  
Mario: It's huge!  
  
Luigi: It's got a rocket launcher!  
  
Mario: Which it is aiming at us!  
  
BANG! BOOM! 'SPLODE!  
  
Mario: LUIGI! I WILL AVENGE YOU! *Jumps at Inflat-O-Bowser*  
  
Luigi: I'm right here.  
  
Mario: Argh! I just keep bouncing off it!  
  
Luigi: Mario, it's a giant balloon.  
  
Mario: Your point?  
  
Luigi: Exactly. *pops Inflat-O-Bowser*  
  
Inflat-O-Bowser: GRAAAAAAAARGH! I'M MELTING... MEEEEEEEEEELTING OR POPPING...  
  
Mario: Oh. Well then. Hmmm, don't you think something is a little... suspicious?  
  
Luigi: I think I understand... You mean this was a bit... clever... for a Bowser plan?  
  
Mario: Exactly. Defeating him this time was slightly harder than usual.  
  
King Thwomp: That's because I THOUGHT IT UP! IT WAS ALL ME!  
  
Luigi: You mean it was YOU who created the Inflat-O-Bowser?  
  
King Thwomp: INDEED  
  
Mario: You created an entire theme park just to unleash a balloon on us?  
  
King Thwomp: YES I DID  
  
Luigi: And you're here now to destroy us?  
  
King Thwomp: OH YES  
  
Mario: I don't think so.  
  
King Thwomp: OH NO! WHAT'RE YOU GOING TO DO, STOMP ON ME?! HAHAHA! I HAVE COME PREPARED! *presses button which covers KT in mecha-armour*  
  
Mario: Actually, no.  
  
King Thwomp: WHAT, THEN?  
  
Mario: I'm going to sue you for copyright infringement.   
  
King Thwomp: o_o; Pardon?  
  
Mario: "Super Mario Planet" is a clear breach of the copyrighted "Super Mario Land" and "Super Mario World", both belonging to the Nintendo company, all rights reserved. I'll see you in court.  
  
King Thwomp: Oh, god no...   
  
A WEEK LATER, IN MARIO AND LUIGI'S CASTLE, RECENTLY BOUGHT WITH THE MONEY WON IN THE COURT CASE AGAINST KING THWOMP AND BOWSER  
  
Luigi: Well, that's the kitchen sink's pipes fixed.  
  
Mario: Luigi, you've been gone for days.  
  
Luigi: Oh, it's a funny thing, see, when I was fixing the pipes, I accidentally feel down one of them and ended up in-  
  
Mario: Nevermind, actually. Well, I'm just glad that that whole Inflat-O-Bowser business is over with. Now we can live in peace.  
  
Luigi: I agree.  
  
Mario: All loose ends have been tied up, of course.  
  
Luigi: Oh yes.  
  
Mario: ...  
  
Luigi: ...  
  
Mario: ...  
  
Luigi: ...You're on fire.  
  
Mario: Oh.  
  
FIN...  
  
...ISHED. 


	2. The Dangers of Standardized Testing

Tales of an Italian Plumber: Episode 2 - CHRISTMAS CHAPTER! (Warning: May not contain anything related to Christmas)  
  
By Tim'sOK  
  
(Tim'sOK sponsored by MILHAMHOUSE RADIATOR COSIES! We keep even the coldest heating appliance toasty and warm, the natural way!)  
  
Mario, Luigi and any other characters in this fanfic belong to Ninte - Screw it, I can't be bothered saying it again.  
  
LET THE FANFIC COMMENCE  
  
(We continue our story into the Nintendo Re-education Centre for Mentally-Deteriorated and Differently-Sensible* Fictional Virtual Characters, or the NRECMDDSFVC. Actually, that's too complicated, I'll just not refer to the school by its actual name.)  
  
(*Tim'sOK recieved many complaints from angry, politically correct, anonymous persons concerning his naming of Disableds, and after many court cases he finally agreed to stop calling people who are Differently-Sensible 'Spazzies' or 'Stumbly-Wumblies'. Though he did issue the following statement: "God, I can't even go through a routine freak pointing without having considerable numbers of complaints thrown in my face.")  
  
ANYWAY, AT THE SCHOOL...  
  
Luigi: Ow! Bowser, I am SO telling! Miiiiiss!  
  
Teacher: What is it, Luigi?  
  
Luigi: Bowser stabbed me with a pencil!  
  
Teacher: Nobody likes a telltale, Luigi!  
  
Luigi: But he's set me on fire agai-   
  
Teacher: DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! OUT OF THE CLASSROOM!  
  
Mario: *Snigger*  
  
Teacher: Don't you laugh at him, Mario, or you'll be out too.  
  
Mario: Hrumph.  
  
Teacher: Now, can anyone tell me what the capital of Wales is? Yes, Bowser.  
  
Bowser: GRAAAAAAAAAAARGH! GYRANRAGAGRGH! GRACKYLYLLRAAARGYLGHRSARGH!  
  
Teacher: Correct. Give yourself a star.  
  
Bowser: Woo! Three stars in a row.  
  
Teacher: Now, I'm going to be giving out your end of year tests-  
  
*Collective groaning*   
  
Teacher: -which will account for 87% of your overall grade, rendering the past five years of school completely irellevant.  
  
*Louder groaning*  
  
Teacher: I'll be having none of that. Remember, you need to pass in order to go back to your jobs. The only reason you're here is because you've gotten completely crap at them. I mean, honestly, Mario, what the HELL were you doing in Mario Sunshine? You're a plumber, not a cleaner!  
  
Mario: Sorry, Miss...  
  
Teacher: And Sonic! You were so much better in 2D, for god's sake!  
  
Sonic: I won't do it again, Miss...  
  
Teacher: And Pac-Man... Just... No.  
  
Pac-Man: GET IN MAH BEL-LEH!  
  
Teacher: You're expelled. Now for the test.  
  
[Teacher hands out test papers]  
  
Teacher: You may begin... Now.  
  
Bowser: You say 'may'...  
  
Teacher: Rhetorically.  
  
Bowser: Whatever. *walks out of classroom*  
  
Teacher: *calling after him* And don't expect to be in Mario Sunshine Two!  
  
Mario: *looking at test* Right...  
  
---  
  
QUESTION ONE: There is a broken pipe. What do you do?  
  
ANSWER:   
  
---  
  
Mario: Oh, god... I know this... Aha!  
  
---  
  
QUESTION ONE: There is a broken pipe. What do you do?  
  
ANSWER: Flip out and kill people.   
  
---  
  
Mario: There. Now for the rest...  
  
---  
  
QUESTION TWO: Bowser has Princess locked in his castle. Do you A) Advance through the levels to get to her or B) Collect the coins?  
  
ANSWER: C) Both, while in a 'Shroom-induced trip. Psychadelic.  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION THREE: There is a large gap, too long for you to jump over, filled with spikes. Some kind of... flying screw... things... are... flying... and will kill you. What do you do?  
  
ANSWER: Find a carrot. By picking this up, I gain rabbit ears and the ability to fly. I have been told not to question this, but I can't help wondering if by using a carrot, I'm just luring a rabbit into bloody deafness.   
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION FOUR: What does a Star do? A) Grant invinicibilty or B) produce light?  
  
ANSWER: I don't know!  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION FIVE: What do you hope to acomplish?  
  
ANSWER: Argh! Stop asking questions!  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION SIX: In one word, describe how long it takes for the sun to travel to the sky.  
  
ANSWER: What?  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION SEVEN: Two men start walking towards each other at the same speed on different days. When will they learn?  
  
ANSWER: Huh?  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION EIGHT: Now close the box.  
  
ANSWER: But-  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION NINE: What is the essential difference between a web spun by a cat and that spun by a mouse?  
  
ANSWER: Grargh! Shut up!  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION TEN: A triangle has four sides. The sum of the internal angles is 270 degrees. Using this information, spell out the word 'Hut' without breaking any of the matchsticks.  
  
ANSWER: MY EYES! STOP!  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION ELEVEN: "There is light at the end of the tunnel." How do you know this?  
  
ANSWER: I'LL LIGHT YOU!  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION TWELVE: Make an Ox-Bow lake.  
  
ANSWER: YOU'RE-  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION THIRTEEN: Use both sides of the paper if necessary.  
  
ANSWER: CONFUSING-  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION FOURTEEN: Tiny Tim is finishing his Christmas turkey with Scrooge. He is asked what he wants for desert, but he politely refuses. What is the name of his 1968 Top Ten hit single?  
  
ANSWER: ME!  
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION FIFTEEN: Complete the following sequence: NAME'S, BOND, JAMES, _____  
  
ANSWER: Another question and I swear-   
  
---  
  
---  
  
QUESTION SIXTEEN: If the answer is that half of two, what is the question?  
  
ANSWER:  
  
---  
  
Mario: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *throws table to the right, where it is embedded in the wall*  
  
Mario: HUNNHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *Picks up Yoshi, who is sitting to his left, and throws him out of window*  
  
*Classroom cheers*  
  
Mario: POWER UP TO SUP0RSAYAJIN LVEL 73409.04!  
  
*Mario throws barrels, monkeys, barrels of monkeys, and Donkey Kong, who is currently throwing barrels*  
  
Mario: *Heavy breathing*  
  
*Classroom looks at Mario in awed terror*  
  
AN HOUR LATER  
  
*the classroom is a complete wreck, missing three walls, with tables scattered in a three-mile radius, blood and teeth everywhere, and Mario standing in the middle of it all, holding the teacher's severed head by the hair*  
  
Mario: I'M THE CLEVEREST BOY IN THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
AND SO ENDS ANOTHER HAPPY CHRISTMAS IN SUPERMARIOLAND.  
  
---  
  
Tim: Well, children. I hope I have, in this last chapter, expressed to you the dangers of exposing Italian plumbers to standardized testing - because the results can be disasterous, as you have seen. Let us never speak of this again.  
  
---  
  
AND FOR A FINAL DESPERATE GIMMICK!  
  
Test YOURSELF! Pick any five questions out of the sixteen asked in this chapter, and submit your answers in a review! WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR ITALIAN PLUMBERS/PIANO REMOVERS.  
  
FIN...  
  
...ISHED. 


End file.
